I’ve never masturbated before because I really
I know what you’re thinking: “Umm, is that serious?” And yes, I am 100 percent. I’ve never had to do anything to “satisfy my sexual desire” because, well… I don’t have any.
You see, I’m asexual (sometimes called “ace”). and like Trevor Project To explain it, it means I have little or no interest in sex and any form of it – solo sex, partner sex, car sex, whatever. But while most asexuals have little interest in bedroom contents, most desire an emotionally intimate relationship.
I first stumbled across the word back in high school. As my classmates gossiped about hookup and cheating scandals, I quickly realized that I was not interested in it. I didn’t want to partake in the sex myself, but I didn’t particularly want to hear about anyone’s sex life—let alone when Brads and Chad of the football team got their “dicks wet.”
So one day after school, I took my questions to none other than Google.
“Why don’t I care about sex?” I typed in my browser. And that’s when I discovered the word that would change my life: asexual.
I scrolled through endless articles from other people like myself, not interested in sex, masturbation, porn, it all. I had never identified with a word so quickly as I did it.
As the years went by and I became more and more convinced to come out as asexual, for whatever reason, it is still very important to my close friends. They all masturbate, watch porn, and have sex, so they can’t even begin to understand how I don’t do it—or in their words, “choose” not.
Though let me be clear: My sexuality (or lack thereof) is not a choice. I’m not choosing to do or not to do anything, I just don’t see sex or masturbation as an option.
I remember this was an issue with my previous best friend. We were so close, she knew practically everything about me except my social security number. For the longest time, I used to hear stories about her latest dates and sexual encounters because, as a best friend, I pretended to be interested.
But spilling all the details of my asexuality—especially the not-masturbating part—was something I kept private for a few years in our friendship. She understood the no sex part, but when the topic of masturbation came up, things got uncomfortable.
The conversation went something like this:
Her: “Have you ever tried that?”
Me: “No, I’ve never even thought about it.”
Her: “Have you been to the gynecologist? I think you should get your hormones checked.”
Me: “Yeah, but not about that. I don’t see a problem with that.”
I understood her curiosity, especially because she was a nursing student, but It was questioning in a way that invalidated my experience as a human being and made me feel less than.
She wanted to “help me” and “make me better”, and while I knew she was coming from a place of concern and love, I wanted to experience sexual pleasure, it came more in the form of her thinking. Because I needed to fix something was inherently wrong with me.
But the fact is that there is nothing wrong with me. I experience bliss, not exactly the way she does.
It’s also majorly f*cked with my dating life. (Which yes, I have. Because, again, just because I’m asexual doesn’t mean I don’t want to grow and/or develop an emotional connection with someone.)
I’ll never forget the time I was on my first date with a guy I met on Bumble. I told him before I went out that I was asexual, and he doesn’t seem to have a problem with it. Looking back, it was too good to be true. I was never questioned why I am like this.
The date was going well – we talked about hobbies, work, musical tastes, ya know, basic questions you should know, until he asked if I masturbate. It’s not that I don’t get asked this question a lot, it’s just that it’s an intrusive question for a first date, don’t you think?
“So you’ve never watched porn before, or used a vibrator?” he said.
I was honest, maybe even too honest. I told him no, and I didn’t know what a vibrator was until a few years ago.
He responded by saying that he could “change my mind.” (The classic line from a man who thinks he can take someone’s sexuality and tell it about himself.) And put it, the date ended too quickly.
So let me be clear to those who don’t understand: my asexuality has nothing to do with you. My sexual orientation is to be asexual. Like some people have sexual preferences for women, men, both and other genders Identity is not my sexual preference for any of the above.
Nowhandjob I do not speak for all asexual people. Asexuality is on a spectrum. Some ace guys masturbate, some have sex, but regardless of what people do, it doesn’t make their identity as an ace person any less valid.
The issue here is that there is a serious lack of education and understanding about asexuality in the beginning. So if I may suggest, whether you’re asexual, get to know someone who’s a better ally, or you spend five minutes mindlessly scrolling through TikTok and Google.
Read about respectful and helpful ways to engage in a conversation about asexuality instead of questioning it. us. Because trying to change our minds or convince us about “what we’re missing” isn’t, fam. This doesn’t mean you need to put #AsexualAlly in your bio on social media, but just be a supportive person.
At the end of the day, we are all human beings with different needs, wants and desires. Mine might just look different from yours—and that’s okay.
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